I Hope I Will Never Eat Shrimp

 

Shrimp!

Shrimp is a crustacean, crunchy shell and elongated body,

But to me it is a revolting and squishy scoundrel of the sea

I would rather swallow a pig heart whole and raw,

than to eat a steamed shrimp, curled up in a fleshy sphere.

If I were stuck, starving in the wild

and I had to choose among ingesting shrimp, my extra batteries, or bad and rotten beef,

I would totally masticate the extra batteries

or gormandize the rotten beef.

Shrimp!

I bet you that I would whip up a meal made of rubber ducks and pencil shavings

and slam-dunk the luxuriously laced shrimp sushi in the trash can

I would probably engulf a candle perfectly,

leaving no sign of its existence,

than to digest the obnoxious piece of shrimp you offered me.

Dirt and mud must seem delectable,

compared to that crappy crustacean

so flirty and fake.

Shrimp!

There is not a single word dreadful enough to describe shrimp

there simply is not a word

With its sanguine shell, sagging flesh

all it does to me

is make me want to toss my cookies

I really don’t understand the people who eat it

there is no price that can make me munch a malevolent shrimp

unless my mom is vociferating at me to do so!